How to Tell if You're Gonna Get the Girl

Say you’re a guy, and you find yourself in a modern urban fantasy novel.  Lucky you!  As long as you’re not the villain, there’s a good chance you’re going to get up-close-and-personal with a seriously kick-ass chick.  But how can you tell if this deliciously hot relationship is going to make it to the end of the series? 

It’s easy to tell if you’re the hero.  First, make sure that the object of your affection is, in fact, the heroine.  Good?  Good.  If you’ve got supernatural powers, and the heroine seems to hate you but gazes longingly at your pecs, you’re probably the hero.  Still, there’s always that chance—that tiny, worrying possibility—that you might be one of many secondary love interests.  

Don’t despair!  It’s easy to tell if you’re not going to get the girl.  Do any of the following apply to you?

1) You’ve worked with her.  Ever.  Even at a volunteer soup kitchen.  Especially at a volunteer soup kitchen.

2) She seems to like you.

3) You drive a midsize sedan in a shade of dark blue or green.  (Dude, what are you thinking?)

4) Your nose is perfectly straight.  (I’m afraid this indicates a lack of willingness to engage in physical violence.  Very unsexy.  But you get a pass on this one if you’re a vampire with supernatural healing powers.) 

 5) She’s capable of kicking your ass.

Answer yes to any two of the above?  You might win out briefly in Book 2, but don’t get comfortable.  Some guy with a crooked nose, fangs/wings/fur, and a really sexy car is on his way to steal your girl.  I recommend preemptively ditching the heroine and hooking up with an Expendable Side Character.  Maybe you’ll get a spinoff.